Maybe I might not know whats happening

For many years, not quite sure how many, I have showered in the dark. It makes me feel clean? I honestly couldnt say why, It just seems to bring me comfort and helps my brain to slow down.

For the many years I showered in the dark, especially the years following high school, I dreamt of the man that would be in the shower with me. The dreamt, hoped for, wishful sort of being who would sweep me off of my feet, and we would take lovely warm late night showers together. I wanted to share my happy place.  So then what happens when I find the man of my dreams, and he cant handle water above the temperature of TEPID? Alas, he is still very much the man of my dreams.

In my showers, an always kind of requirement involved music--the Calmer, Bon Iver Sufjian Stevens type. There was always a melody that would catch my thoughts and hold them in mid air. The hopeful, wishful, dream like nostalgia feeling that you get when you listen to a song that you've never heard before. I would have these fantasies, more like foreshadows of what my life was going to be like. The man who I would share the world with, the deeper emotions I would experience, the pretty views I would have seen and the babies I would have. I would be accomplished. Successful? I would know who I was because of the man who decided on me.

So tonight, when one of those songs came on in my very lights on shower.. I crumbled. Looking back, I wouldnt make any decisions differently, and yet the uneasiness of where my time stands was actually much more than uneasiness. I ended up on my kitchen floor with a can of peaches reading Courtney Kearns blog and living through her friendships. Partially we're just fiscally challenged, which kind of makes everything feel like its on a balance beam threatening the plumet to hell.  But in all reality why do I feel this way?? I married a man who knows me better than I know me. I have a home, i'm in school studying what i've dreamt of studying since I was in fourth grade and Mrs. Shoemaker taught me how to paint (after she sent me down to the principles office for having short shorts. twice.)

Do you want to know what it is? Other than money? Its that I miss the highs and lows of the beginning of love. I'm realizing that you have to accept the comfort, EMBRACE the comfort of what you have and will always have. Its not a game anymore, there is no reason to analyze and over think every movement and moment, its not a test. You look for the flaws, you're going to find them.